HouseCatz

I bet they're good!

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 21:44:49 -0700

In the future commercials will be a bit more realistic. Instead of teens in elbow pads burning donuts on motorcycles it will go something more like this:

[enter men with tattoos]

Damn those McNuggest look good ! Gimme your McNuggest or imma stab you! Gimme your phone!

[stab motion]

[tattooed men look at camera enjoying the McNuggets they are eating]

House

Catz

Little Bean

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 21:52:59 -0800

While it’s not illegal to accidentally possess Monsanto’s seed, if it ends up in your field and reaches a certain point of growth, the patent confers ownership.

Prediction: It won’t be altogether different from trying to get an abortion in Arkansas.

House:

Catz:

The Cost of Doing Business

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 13:22:24 -0800

What can cars tell us about the cost of doing business?

Volvo, a Chinese auto-manufacturer, has introduced a technology called City-Safe, designed to reduce pedestrian fatalities by 72%. If every car in Australia were outfitted with this technology 53 Australian pedestrians would die each year- a great achievement- and they could cut back on the costs of painting crosswalks.

House:

Catz: It’s cold outside….

Neurofeedback

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 22:46:00 -0800

In the future magicians will dazzle you with technology. Don’t believe me? Maybe it’s because you’re crazy. Have you seen this graph? Look what it says about you.

House:

Catz:

Obama Wades Into the Future

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 15:59:47 -0800

Having violent thoughts? Don’t tell your therapist. He might call up some pigs.

Thinking about acting on your violent thoughts? You may be tried outside American soil by a group of military personnel whose desk jobs involve providing customer service for Arab terrorists. Or they may just want to hang out with you, forever. You just might be asking yourself, “Where am I?”

I mean we have to prevent the epidemic on our hands of rogue violent mentally ill citizens right? It’s not like there’s been more deaths in Oakland than days in the new year, or 700 civilian drone deaths since 2004.

Prediction: Cut off the limbs to save the body. The future is here and it’s the status quo metastasized and easy pickin’ the rest of the way.

House:

Catz: don’t let ‘em get you kid

Don't Even

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 22:49:51 -0800

Don’t do it Ryan…

Prediction: Making temptation illegal

@ 1:55 “The city made leaving your bike unlocked and unattended in public a municipal

code infraction and you can be cited for it”

It's Been a While...

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 16:03:00 -0700

One thing we didn’t predict ovr here at Housecatz is that eventually every new web browser and website will be incompatible with our Mac OSX 10.4.something. Well there’s old versions of Firefox - kinda like time traveling - but Tumblr apparently isn’t so lenient. So it took us 6 months to get out of the house and find a goddam Dell PC to use, and here we are. And yes, we are accepting donations, if you know any fatcatz.

Another thing that’s been a while (too long)… parted hair:

Prediction: In the future, wearing your hair so that a stripe of skin tears through a calm sea of hair like a lightning bolt will be considered EXTREME. Not so sure? Well, this guy thought it a sensible style to pair with his mustache.

House:

Catz:

iPenguin

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 21:39:00 -0800

For all you haters who say we only talk about stuff that already exists and pretend like it’s the future, well I bet y’all didn’t know that the iPhone was first made in 1983. Here’s something else that exists, a disregarded harbinger, albeit of doom- penguins. And they’re gonna be humans pretty soon. Are You preparing for the GRE, SAT? Well, if so try yourself with this one… wireless internet is to bashful as human intelligence is to ________. They walk on 2 legs, they socialize with each other, they stand around and look bored, they wobble like they’re wasted, pretty soon they’ll be NETWORKING.

Prediction: Time + Tiny Claws = Trouble

House:

Catz:

Five Years, That's All We've Got

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:16:16 -0800

So, HouseCatz has been off for a long holiday. But you all knew that right? If not subscribe for the weeklys y’all! Wow a lot has changed, even tumblr stopped using the OLD embed code while we were gone.

In case you didn’t hear, we were in Antarctica (aka the End of the World). It was a long trek down there, and cold, but we came prepared. Our photographer took this prescient shot highlighting all the open space on the continent that got us thinking…

Prediction: When the internet bomb hits or climate change busts your server fans, and information infrastructure is laid to waste, boats will set sail for the southern continent, where flash drives archiving the best of the internet lay waiting in a subterranean repository. Be quick though, you may only have five years– assuming you can avoid “unfortunate encounters with household pets.”

House:

Catz:

Set It Off

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 22:16:55 -0800

Prediction: Indeed, the facts and Iraq’s behavior show that Saddam Hussein and his regime are concealing their efforts to produce more weapons of mass destruction. Uhhhh, I mean Iran….

House:

Catz:

Can't Touch This

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 17:02:03 -0700

Prediction: It certainly won’t end up looking like 2003 tomorrow…. right?

House:

Catz:

Shattered <3

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 21:11:00 -0700

Remember how some of MLK’s closest friends were FBI informants?

Prediction: Shane Bauer, Sarah Shourd, and Josh Fattal’s infiltration of the Occupy Oakland movement is a reconnaissance mission.

House:

Catz:

Leading Lifestyles

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 21:48:11 -0700

Prediction: In the future it’s gonna be hella hard to kill yourself… There’s gonna be some sort of implant in your brain that prevents the impulse. It’ll let you risk your life though; there will be some sort of calculation that takes place. Why? Because the future is hella predictable so the future is gonna be hella predictable. That means you better be a reliable economic unit. And the bay is ground-zero; we’re the leading lifestyle-manufacturer in the world. Like Chevron says, “We may have more in common than you think.” Y’all creepy as fuck!

House:

Catz:

Cats in Space

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 22:29:00 -0700

note the neurotransmitter!

Stop it y'all!!!

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:25:29 -0700

Always thinking ahead (to winter) Housecatz is here to encourage you to spare the air this winter. Y’all stop burning your fancy wood fireplaces and start burning your 90s fracking fireplaces. Speaking of the 90s…

I remember not being able to go out outside during school because of smog levels. s.m.o.g. daze… No-recess days. Times were rough, but that’s how we like it over here at Housecatz - no dryer sheets in our laundry y’all!

Prediction: In the future, there will be no-driving days, no new-plastics days, no- manufacturing days in some brokeass country.

House:

Catz:

Picture this...

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 22:59:00 -0700

…You work for a reputable liberal organization, one that class A douchebags like James O’Keefe would call “left wing”, and suddenly you start getting a lot of phone calls. People who start by saying “What’s your opinion about Navy sonar? It’s affecting my brain,” or “We need to create supervolcanos on a smaller scale to combat global warming, it’s our only hope,” or “My smart-meter is giving me headaches and I need your help to prove it.” Is it him? Is James O’Keefe calling you? I mean how can this even count for a real encounter? Is he altering your mind when he charmingly waxes on about CO2 from sparkling water destroying the environment, from a place of insincerity? Everyone knows that now and then you have to lie to someone to be nice to them…. But what about lying to them to be mean to them? Damn… playing games… hardcore G.O.P.RANKSTER style. I guess the best way to look at it is: Chances are we’re just a bunch of aliens created by a superior alien race of haters, cultivated on planet Earth and programmed to destroy it, so that they can avoid accountability in the intergalactic supreme court, and simulated reality is just the name of the game.

Prediction: Certain things seem to go away when they’re really just lurkers and we’re getting lucky. Which reminds us, if y’all don’t start paying attention to supervolcanos - how to survive them - not how to create them, y’all going to be in trouble. Can you imagine preparing for something at least 25k years down the road? Oh man, we love it over here at Housecatz…. hitting hard every 2’sday

House:

Catz:

Nanollllllllllllllllllld

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 20:46:00 -0700

Prediction: In this x-treme nanoworld old ppl will need megassistance to get phones with big numbers.

House:

Catz:

Mountain Dew

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 14:30:35 -0700

= TROUBLE

_____________________________________________________________________________

The future of extreme sports involves mountains - there’s no way around this fact. We hate it and we wish it weren’t true, but it is.

Prediction: Immense death-defying human hamster balls will be hurtling down your local mountain tops within the next 20 years

House:

Catz:

I feel like I'm sitting on top of an atom bomb, waiting for it to go off -'The Room'

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 14:00:48 -0700

Daniel Craig, you are such a good actor your face might as well have the following tattooed on it, “What is this thing on my wrist?” Well we think it shoots lazers or something; at least that’s what we gather from bus advertisements.

Clearly your average Joe media journalist hasn’t seen this movie because there’s been a lot (and by a lot, we mean nonexistent) huhbub about the fact that Foxconn (the maker of the iPhone and every other piece of poorly functioning tech junk) is replacing its factory workers with 1 million robots. I mean you guys are really missing the point here… did the Washington Post not read our March 18 post “Bots 4 Life”? Foxconn employees are battling a rash of suicides and an aluminum dust explosion here and there… so what’s the big deal about robots? Displaced workers could always get a job at the Converse factory where performance evaluations come in the form of getting slapped in the face with a shoe. Or maybe they can just get hired back in 10 years, if they’re willing to undergo experimental medical procedures… What? Yes, the future isn’t robots, it’s human/robot hybrids.

Prediction: No one asked how Daniel Craig’s lazers fingerz are powered. I mean you can’t exactly undergo surgery every time you want your batteries replaced. What kind of power can last more than a human lifetime? Nano-nuclear…. You just better hope the encasement doesn’t leak like a breast implant.

House:

Catz:

Farmaggedon (pt. 1 of 6)

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 16:49:33 -0700

We’ve never killed any animals over here at HouseCatz. Well that’s not entirely true…. We love to eat meat, especially ribs. I guess we just have other people kill them for us, and we do the easy part. It’s sort of like how we enjoy our American freedom - spending all night shaking our asses to garage-quality lo-fi - the cost of which is legalized murder and global poverty, or something like that. Anyway, being HouseCatz and all of course we love to fish, and we have no regret about this (clearly fish don’t feel pain; otherwise, they would manifest it anthropomorphically by screaming, or tucking their legs into the fetal position). Anyway, what’s this all have to do with suicide? We’re glad y’all asked…. Fish don’t commit suicide, only animals do: humans and ducks come to mind. Fish are different than the rest of us; they think very little about the fact that they are alive… similar to plants. So what happens when suicidal humans pass on suicidal predisposition to plant life (in the hopes that farmers will have to buy new seeds every season; if you’ve ever eaten a piece of fruit with seeds in it, you understand the desperation with which plants resist death)?

Prediction: Cross-contamination of genetically-engineered crops is a notorious problem. End of life scenario #1: One day, one year, all of our plants will commit suicide at once. We’ll be left with nothing but dust and seeds…

House:

Catz: